Please tell me what you think about the beginning of my story!?
Okay so I wrote this a while ago and I just stumbled upon it. I'm 13 so don't be too harsh, but please tell me what you think. I can take constructive criticism.
As the rain falls in rivlets against her face, her legs are yelling no, while her mind is screaming yes. The green tops of ferns emerge from over the horizon of the both literal and metaphorical hill in her way. The beating of her heart is in rhythm with the constant peddling of her legs. Her throat burns and aches for water. But her will, her determination is what keeps her tuned out of everything around her; only focused on the fast approaching end of her journey.
She peddles faster and faster, as her mind turns away from absolutely everything but the urging voice that continues to tell her to keep going; to finish what she started. Something he never did she reminded herself as she leaned forward on her handle bars and prepared for a jolt.
As she flew over the jump, she let out a cry of enjoyment as the adrenaline rushed through her veins like the constant rush of water through a raging river.
Her body jolted as her tires hit the pavement. Yes!, she thought as she turned down the path, the rain pounding harder and harder on her back; not that she noticed.
A smile spread across her face as she prepared for the sudden flashing of cameras and the yellow tape she was sure to break.
She mentally imagined the cheers, the excitement and the look of defeat on her opponents faces as they solemly congragulate her.
Then, she saw it. The yellow line that seperated her from amatuer to pro. I can do it, just keep going, she repeatedly thought to herslef.
As she approahed the finish line, and after she knew it was hers, she threw her arms in the air and let out a child like yell. The paper thin tape broke in two as the front of her bike crashed through it.
Her vision was blinded by the yellow light of cameras, and reporters were throwing questions at her left and right.
But soon enough, Mike's arms wrapped around her waist and he told the reporters that his client would be open to questions at the press conference that would be held the next day.
After they were safe inside the locker room, Mike folded her into a huge hug. "Taryn! I knew it! I knew you could do it!" Taryn felt suffocated by the hug.
"Thanks Mike," she said as she folded out of the embrace. Mike's blonde hair was shaggy around his eyes, and curled just at the shoulders. His eyes that were usually diamond shaped and pure jade, were now huge and a dazzling emerald. His tan skin was was slightly wet from the rain, and was shimmering.
"I'm sorry Taryn, you probably want a shower, I'll leave you be. But hey! Stop by the managers station before you go, okay kid?" His smile was so big, and so happy that Taryn didn't have the heart to tell him that she was exhausted from the race, and just wanted to go home.
"Yeah, okay Mike, I'll stop by." And with that, he basically floated out of the room.
She walked over to her locker and spun the dial. After retrieving fresh clothes she headed towards the showers.
Taryn set the tempature as high as it would go, and stepped in. The water rushed over her. Instantly soaking her curly brunnette hair, turning it black and strait.
She glanced down at the water that was swirling around her feet. She watched it slip down the drain. The swirling water had Taryn transfixed.
"Very dizzying." She said, beleiving she was alone. After washing her hair, and scrubbing her lightly tanned skin, she turned off the water. After wrapping a towel in her hair and over her body, she stepped out of the shower.
As soon as her feet hit the lamenent tilling, she heard a noise. She looked over towards where it came from. Taryn took cautious steps, and walked over to one of the other showers. Her hands gripped the side of the shower, and she looked inside. Nothing.
Taryn, calm down. Nothing's there. Look at yourself! A 19 year old lady and your falling for a ghost story? Jeez. Taryn thought to her self as she walked back over to her locker. The towel fell with a thud on the floor as it dropped to the ground. She pulled on a pair of faded jeans and a Click 5 concert T-shirt.
Taryn closed her locker. That was when she heard the noise again. Her head snapped to the deffinant direction of the noise. A shadow slipped past a row of lockers. Taryn took off in that direction.
She lunged toward the figure. Her hands entwined on a red shirt. She spun the figure around.
Taryn's gaze fell upon a tall man whose clear blue eyes bore into her brown ones. The eyes seemed to be searching for something. The mystery man's face was tan, and had an amused look on it. His choal black hair fell past his eyes, and went barley past his ears. He was tall.
As Taryn's hands rested on the mans shirt, her mind went bla
As the rain falls in rivlets against her face, her legs are yelling no, while her mind is screaming yes. The green tops of ferns emerge from over the horizon of the both literal and metaphorical hill in her way. The beating of her heart is in rhythm with the constant peddling of her legs. Her throat burns and aches for water. But her will, her determination is what keeps her tuned out of everything around her; only focused on the fast approaching end of her journey.
She peddles faster and faster, as her mind turns away from absolutely everything but the urging voice that continues to tell her to keep going; to finish what she started. Something he never did she reminded herself as she leaned forward on her handle bars and prepared for a jolt.
As she flew over the jump, she let out a cry of enjoyment as the adrenaline rushed through her veins like the constant rush of water through a raging river.
Her body jolted as her tires hit the pavement. Yes!, she thought as she turned down the path, the rain pounding harder and harder on her back; not that she noticed.
A smile spread across her face as she prepared for the sudden flashing of cameras and the yellow tape she was sure to break.
She mentally imagined the cheers, the excitement and the look of defeat on her opponents faces as they solemly congragulate her.
Then, she saw it. The yellow line that seperated her from amatuer to pro. I can do it, just keep going, she repeatedly thought to herslef.
As she approahed the finish line, and after she knew it was hers, she threw her arms in the air and let out a child like yell. The paper thin tape broke in two as the front of her bike crashed through it.
Her vision was blinded by the yellow light of cameras, and reporters were throwing questions at her left and right.
But soon enough, Mike's arms wrapped around her waist and he told the reporters that his client would be open to questions at the press conference that would be held the next day.
After they were safe inside the locker room, Mike folded her into a huge hug. "Taryn! I knew it! I knew you could do it!" Taryn felt suffocated by the hug.
"Thanks Mike," she said as she folded out of the embrace. Mike's blonde hair was shaggy around his eyes, and curled just at the shoulders. His eyes that were usually diamond shaped and pure jade, were now huge and a dazzling emerald. His tan skin was was slightly wet from the rain, and was shimmering.
"I'm sorry Taryn, you probably want a shower, I'll leave you be. But hey! Stop by the managers station before you go, okay kid?" His smile was so big, and so happy that Taryn didn't have the heart to tell him that she was exhausted from the race, and just wanted to go home.
"Yeah, okay Mike, I'll stop by." And with that, he basically floated out of the room.
She walked over to her locker and spun the dial. After retrieving fresh clothes she headed towards the showers.
Taryn set the tempature as high as it would go, and stepped in. The water rushed over her. Instantly soaking her curly brunnette hair, turning it black and strait.
She glanced down at the water that was swirling around her feet. She watched it slip down the drain. The swirling water had Taryn transfixed.
"Very dizzying." She said, beleiving she was alone. After washing her hair, and scrubbing her lightly tanned skin, she turned off the water. After wrapping a towel in her hair and over her body, she stepped out of the shower.
As soon as her feet hit the lamenent tilling, she heard a noise. She looked over towards where it came from. Taryn took cautious steps, and walked over to one of the other showers. Her hands gripped the side of the shower, and she looked inside. Nothing.
Taryn, calm down. Nothing's there. Look at yourself! A 19 year old lady and your falling for a ghost story? Jeez. Taryn thought to her self as she walked back over to her locker. The towel fell with a thud on the floor as it dropped to the ground. She pulled on a pair of faded jeans and a Click 5 concert T-shirt.
Taryn closed her locker. That was when she heard the noise again. Her head snapped to the deffinant direction of the noise. A shadow slipped past a row of lockers. Taryn took off in that direction.
She lunged toward the figure. Her hands entwined on a red shirt. She spun the figure around.
Taryn's gaze fell upon a tall man whose clear blue eyes bore into her brown ones. The eyes seemed to be searching for something. The mystery man's face was tan, and had an amused look on it. His choal black hair fell past his eyes, and went barley past his ears. He was tall.
As Taryn's hands rested on the mans shirt, her mind went bla
Answers:
In all honesty, there are quite a few basic spelling and grammatical errors in there. I'd also suggest changing the sentence structures around a bit, as you don't seem to have struck the right balance at the moment.
Good work though, don't ever stop writing, as you will always improve.
Good work though, don't ever stop writing, as you will always improve.
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